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03:32pm 15/09/2002
mood: restless
out across the blackhole wastelands
he tries to walk a straight path
but no road signs
and no guide to help along the way
loses him his destination
and his journey stretches onwards
twenty years
abandoned by confidants
he walks
dreams of better lives
but falls away
left to strnge device
cant hurt to try to see
needles flames and razor
dance upon his flesh
and kiss their sharp lips upon
bring the dreamtime closer
no light escapes his eyes
only lingering reflection
the empty in his soul
dreams and waking hours
obscured in broken hope
only then deiscernation made
when the joy fades away
into the blackness
then is when he wakes
alone again upon the wasteland
left now to stand once more
and begin to walk again
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10:11pm 11/09/2002
  so another day has come to a close,and i am still jobless and alone.
i saw a couple of my friends today, but they shall remain nameless but for the publicity of my journals. they seem like such a lovely married couple...right, uh huh. the husband informed me about how his wife wants to get a girlfriend now. its so strange listening to people who walk on the other side of the societal conservatism, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
well, sooner or later i've got to head out and find a new job...but i'm so screwed. i found out the guy that fixed my car skipped over the engine when he replaced the clutch, turns out he's decided to blame it on whoever i lent my car to, saying something like my friends have been racing my car around and that's why its so fucked up. haha, the only other person who's driven my car was my friend i've already mentioned, and she's fucking pregnant. in no way would she be risking herself in that fashion. this mechanic is just an asshole who won't take blame, and thinks hell why dont we make another few hundred bucks with this kid.
oh well, got to get up early 'cause my life is so fucked up i gotta use my mom's car and drop her off at work before i get to class.
2 years later   
12:08am 11/09/2002
  its been so long, and for all that's changed, things always seem to stay the same.
there's so little in the way of life to me now. i thought that the only solace for my pain lay within the dreams i now cannot escape. every night time venture leaves me drained further and feeling the cold touch of desperation and isolation just a bit more than the night before. these dreams that haunt me, torture. this year has been agony, loss and sorrow burrowed in the depths of a fallacy. between the psychotics and just plain crazy, what's left out there? they turn away from me, and all too suddenly there are only backs to me. what is there to prove my existence, what is there to make things worthwhile? if i could fall away from all this, if only.
i stand at the precipice of lonliness... and sit in silence... waiting for an answer.
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11:55pm 18/04/2001
  you wake up and wonder, in the darkness before the dawn, with sweat clinging to you nervous back...if maybe you died some time ago, and you're just a shade that thinks that he's still alive. all your new experiences harken back to distant memories...memories that burn like oil ignited on water still though you've tried to keep on living. you can still hear her voice...and smell her scent...still feel the sword piercing your heat as you realize she's left you, knowing your love for her...."the pangs of dispised love"...that all those years you held it in, guessing at the outcome...years spent tighter than family...best friends...forever and ever...and it's over...all over...

...Has every chance of love after felt like an echo or a whisper compared to it...?
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the lost children   
08:56pm 15/09/2000
  the world is a slut
the world is a whore
spread the legs a little
and she'll show you so much more
reach deep down with fingers coupled
slip and slide
and take a glimpse of whats inside
bodies collide with cosmic force
in dance no rules due in course
dance for the dance and lose thyself
dance for a cause
and run the risk of your flaws
love is not free and comes at a price
you can run forever
forgetting your troubles
and building up new
the tower of babel
reach high
the sky
built on human depravity
fall to the ground
if you dare change the structure
angels pure dread hope in fire
fallen children
lost souls
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11:57pm 29/08/2000
  ever wonder... perhaps i was not meant for anyone person. for all the love that i once thought i was capable of. i have been tainted, left to fester, think that one could so destroy me? i've fallen in and out and all that is left is the love of romance, maybe i couldn't find a match true and right, but i could find those who could love me for my faults. though, all faults but one. i wander, my soul knows not peace, and i will search for a love that can set the heavens on fire...hell will spin and crumble in tumult as all evil that has been borne is quenched by the spiritual spring of life... we would dance on the grave of the world waiting till the endtime when the walls around us would fall down upon us and send us to sleep together forever in eternity. but i have not found her... always something holds me back, something utterly depresses me, and i can not have a storybook love. and i will never rest till i can. so i am a wanderer in spirit, and my life will never be justified until i find that impossible love, that dream of a life beyond the mundane semilivable reality i wake from my dreams into. ah well, cest la vie  
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08:01pm 20/08/2000
  who am i if not a product of my own devices, do i dare to dream a dream for myself. look at me i am flesh and blood, i am no cybersentient creation od ones and zeros. i can think i can feel i can be whoever i want to be. do you know me? do you think you know everything there is to know of what makes me what i am. you do not know my story you do not know my life. you decide who i am but to think is to believe that the world is catagorized. haha, i'm a chameleon and ill dare to live a life that is not mine if it means i do the least work for it. i will love what is not there, and i will laugh at what i am. for i am the one who makes the jokes...oh ladida mr man, do you wonder who you speak to? do you ever think that a being more intelligent than yourself exists? maybe i am an idiot, maybe i am a fool. but the fool is he who can learn from his mistakes, a child of light who is innocent from god's rules. if i lived a life beyond my means i would kill myself. i live by a faith stronger than your own, and my reality is greater in scope than yours will ever be. think i'm crazy, think i've lost what you call sanity? no? i guess i havent...but clearly i am not like you. i am an army of solitude, i am the jester property of none but myself. i play the tricks and make the jests of my own accord. the whole world is my den of shicanery, and i cry and i laugh and i kill and live and i die because i choose to.  
05:50pm 19/08/2000
mood: hopeful
dea: u r my angel boy
me: you are my goddess
dea: :)
me: you are my queen
dea: would that make u the king?
me: would it?
dea: you have ben crowned
me: why are you so damn good at making me smile?
dea: i dunno :)
dea: im just special i guess
me: of course you are
dea: but u make me that way
me: yu are unique among the world...there is no one living or dead who could ever come close to you my love
dea: :)
dea: only an angel can make me that happy
me: :)
dea: cutie
05:10pm 19/08/2000
  perhaps my mood can be attributed to the moon, i witnessed it not last night, but was told it appeared a dull reddish brown or orangey red...it was decribed as pretty...but something was wrong...it seemed...i wonder sometimes how much astrology is worth, if i am truly ruled by the moon. but when my emotions coincide with the moon's phases, i tend to wonder...i feel sick..like the life is gone...becoming one of those stereotypical drunk writers is begining to sound like the life i'll lead. i tried to write a humourous story today...but it turned into a dirge...the scene became death...and i decided to quit...today is not my day for hapiness...this weekend seems like less a break than a chance for thoughtful contemplation...pain and remorse...mourning and yearning... reaching out for the gold ring..but all that lies in my hand is dust...
dust....my name and birthright...when i die i'll return to dust...as i was born from...adam, the man built from the dust of earth still young...dust now and forever onward...my name...it fits too perfectly...
welcome to the world little ones...welcome to your greatest fantasies and greatest fears...there's no need for nightmares...there's no need for dreams...only the real world can love you...only the real world can kill you.
02:32pm 19/08/2000
mood: contemplative
what is the definition of innocence? one who has been in the throws of carnality and mind altering substance? are they devoid of innocence?shit...if an animal fucks...its no less innocent than before..if it eats something that makes it happy...is it then evil?...it is always as it has always been...it knows no better...so am i alive...these are the things that have come naturally...sex is simply a function...dolphins, man, and a species of gorilla...they are the only animals that fuck for pleasure...so if they do it not to prolong the species...are they evil for doing it? no...sometimes there is no magic in the world...sometimes no hope...soak it up...this is the world we live in...our definitions were wrong as soon as we tried to define them.
don't try and persuade me into believing that intelligence or wisdom in any part help define that which is no longer inocent....when we have the sight of a child...no one is evil. it is when we learn that evil is real and we take that to heart...losing the virgin mind we grew up with...what is it? the innocents die young, the world is too evil to stay pure...unless you can grow to meet the challenge...lose that cherry child...welcome to the real world...
when we surrender to our animal natures...it doesnt make us evil...it is when we delight in the destruction of others that we lose that sparkle in our eyes...when we hurt others and smile we are no longer pure...save for the right moment...aggression, self defense...we are the lost animals...we traveled too far out of our reach...and we no longer know who we are...who are you, who am i? i'm just a simple animal trying to survive.
staring at the stars   
10:42pm 14/08/2000
  try and calm down
try and expell the demons
who am i trying to be
i know somwhere deep down
in the darkness
there is me
and i know i haven't felt understood
but once
throw me deeper
i can see the light
stare up and see my angel
brighten my way my midnight moon
i am multiple minds
for here i speak
and here i answer
dark spirits share my soul?
i have not grown together
but like the branches of a tree
a tree that needs pruning
the jagged ragged limbs
rotting dying in the way
shorn away
and then
yet pure
yet untainted
life still holds miracles
and i couldn't dream
a more wonderful dream
my love lives far away
but there within my heart
a fire burns
she could be a million miles further
but here i am
and i know its real
woke up from a dream
but my angel's still there
looking in my eyes
forever and a day
the world seems alright   
08:48pm 13/08/2000
mood: loved
dea: why do u love me
me: because yu interest me...because whenever i've hurt for whatever reason i've been able to talk to you and yuv made me feel better...because while other people seem to just tolerate me, yuv actually seemed to care...because i've just felt more understood by you than by anyone else i've ever known,..because yur special to me
dea: oh
me: yu say yu love me too...why do yu love me?
dea: because you havent left me and because you are special there is something in you hun...
me: something in me?
dea: yea
me: what do yu mean?
dea: hate to quote christina but "you dont love someone for their clothes or car or looks you love them because their soul sings a song only you can hear"
old poem   
09:55pm 09/08/2000
  New Moon
The moon lit covered forests of the night,
They call me to a land of dark and light.
I feel a soul within me burning,
A constant craving and a yearning,
A savage life devoid of corruption,
Upon these nights I make the assumption:
I'm missing out on life's little joys,
All I've been taught becomes so much noise.
I leave my home of material things,
High with euphoria that freedom brings.
I feel a change within me begin,
To all animals I am akin.
I am the predator that stalks its prey
And leave 'fore they die no sense of dismay.
Quiet too quiet for them to hear,
Die without knowing a drop of fear.
I can move with stealth and grace to my kill,
His life in my hands shall bend to my will.
Won't even see the glow in my eyes,
I decide what in his future lies.
Ready myself for the imminent leap
And the grand wound that will put him to sleep.
Pounce and I bite and he knows no more,
From the gaping hole his blood does pour.
I feast on his flesh, I chew on his bones,
What I shall leave can be thrown to the stones.
The smell of fresh kill brings quite a crowd,
I chase away with roar clear and loud.
King of the night, on this I believe,
Nothing is my equal upon this eve.
No soul in this night dares disturb me
Without fear of life in jeopardy.
I sound the call to all souls found at last,
Creatures who have broke the mold, broke the cast.
Monsters all monsters this night is yours,
For once again we hunt on all fours.
The moonlit covered forests of the night,
They call me to a land of dark and light.
05:09am 09/08/2000
mood: indescribable
and so i have bridged the gap of time between the late nite, and early hours of the morn...soon i must depart from the online world and return to the real world *bleh* oh well deary me, soon enuff i'll be dreaming, which will not be the easiest thing to do since my teachers will expect me to stay awake. ah me, but what to do...soon time for me to wash the day's waste away and breathe fresh a new day. once more to delve into the insanity of the path beyond my door. monkees on sonique...i'm a believer...hahah, no..i'm not. but staying awake this long through the dark torment has erased the pain...in some way simply giving in to my insomniatic tendencies i can baptize myself in a pool of good cheer...soon i'll see old friends, or at least people i wouldn't mind seeing. why should of sudden seeming i feel not the fear and loathing of earlier hours...chemically is it sound...have i built up seritonin to fight the "blues", mehk, but i don't care. either way the day hasnt even begun but i feel it will be brighter for some reason...and for no reason can i see...i search for love and do not find it...i search for life and am swept away...i search for understanding, lest i find it....but i feel so base...yes people know me, they understand me...but its stranger than that...sure yu can guess my next actions...like yu can guess a cat will play with string or go to his food dish...i feel sometimes that losing what we know of humanity clenses....oh well...with the heart of a child and the mind of whatever i am...a child man hehe...i go in search of the new day...and sign away from here...until i post again....
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03:24am 09/08/2000
mood: touched
dea: ok i just dont want u to get sick
me: i dont know
me: :) so why is it yu care so much for my well being?
dea: cause your my angel
late night dreams   
03:09am 09/08/2000
  me: i keep forgeting...i had a dream about yu the other night
dea: that sounded sorta bitchy
dea: sorry
me: meh nevermind about it
dea: oh no tell me.....
dea: unless its something i wont wanna here
me: i was there with you and this big wolf/dog came through the door
me: seemed pretty angry at me
dea: the dog or me?
me: all i really remember is running my fingers through yur hair as yu were lying down, and that dog growling at me
me: oh
dea: blue eyes?
me: i dont remember
me: mightve been
dea: my puppy doesnt like guys hes got blue eyes
me: oh...yea i was thinking it mightve been him
dea: yea hes my little wolfdog baby
me: anywho
dea: yea
One more day   
04:52am 31/07/2000
  Last nite was a bust. Oh what a lovely life i lead. Not a day goes by i feel content through the whole. Give me one day where i love every minute and i could die a happy man.
Why do i trick myself into believing that anyone cares, i fulfill their ends and that's all i'm need for. Oh talk to me, walk with me, drink with me, get drugged out with me, fuck me, be my one true one, even if its not for real, say you love me when i could give a damn less...what's it really matter? Shit. Fall in love one more day...hell that just the way...it all goes...meet someone new, and i could give a shit...i don't know why i think i could fall in love and leave it to that...got nit pick...cause i can't even look myself in the mirror without a hint of revulsion...go back on old times and i think maybe i knew love...but what's it matter to me now...i've journeyed so far into the hole that i don't even see daylight anymore. What the fuck do i know of love..a few fevered nights...a few exasperated words? But they're gone in a flash and all i'm left with is the memory...but thanx for that...much appreciation for that at least...god to christ if i could mean it when i say i do not care....and all these songs on the tv dont bring me back to reality, i'll just slip deeper into the darkness of my outstreched mind...never finding that star of my existence...maybe i passed it...maybe i lost it forever...shit, i don't even know what it is i'm looking for anymore...just a puzzle piece that's lost it's own shape so how the hell is he going to find the match? If i didnt have to wake up in the morning, if only i could dream forever. But no, always the morning comes...and welcome to the real world, hope yu have a lovely visit, the way you're going it won't be for long...madness or death, Even that's not an escape...i'm just discontent energy left to vibrate wrong...left to shake the molecules till theyre ready to burst and yet...just an outlet...it'll never control me..lead me to believe it's my saving grace...hahahaha...live a little, die a little...doesn't make a lot of frickin' difference. i don't want to be here anymore...trying to make people happy 'cause i need the love...its not even there to find...i feel like the world's so devoid of anything real that its a contradiction in term...what's real in the real world except what we can dream...therein lies our only reality...but that's it for today...i won't find today what i'll look for tomorrow, though i doubt very much its even going to be there to find. Out as long as i can be...semper, Dust
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