out across the blackhole wastelands
he tries to walk a straight path
but no road signs
and no guide to help along the way
loses him his destination
and his journey stretches onwards
abandoned by confidants
dreams of better lives
but falls away
left to strnge device
cant hurt to try to see
needles flames and razor
dance upon his flesh
and kiss their sharp lips upon
bring the dreamtime closer
no light escapes his eyes
only lingering reflection
the empty in his soul
dreams and waking hours
obscured in broken hope
only then deiscernation made
when the joy fades away
into the blackness
then is when he wakes
alone again upon the wasteland
left now to stand once more
and begin to walk again
so another day has come to a close,and i am still jobless and alone.
i saw a couple of my friends today, but they shall remain nameless but for the publicity of my journals. they seem like such a lovely married couple...right, uh huh. the husband informed me about how his wife wants to get a girlfriend now. its so strange listening to people who walk on the other side of the societal conservatism, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
well, sooner or later i've got to head out and find a new job...but i'm so screwed. i found out the guy that fixed my car skipped over the engine when he replaced the clutch, turns out he's decided to blame it on whoever i lent my car to, saying something like my friends have been racing my car around and that's why its so fucked up. haha, the only other person who's driven my car was my friend i've already mentioned, and she's fucking pregnant. in no way would she be risking herself in that fashion. this mechanic is just an asshole who won't take blame, and thinks hell why dont we make another few hundred bucks with this kid.
oh well, got to get up early 'cause my life is so fucked up i gotta use my mom's car and drop her off at work before i get to class.
its been so long, and for all that's changed, things always seem to stay the same.
there's so little in the way of life to me now. i thought that the only solace for my pain lay within the dreams i now cannot escape. every night time venture leaves me drained further and feeling the cold touch of desperation and isolation just a bit more than the night before. these dreams that haunt me, torture. this year has been agony, loss and sorrow burrowed in the depths of a fallacy. between the psychotics and just plain crazy, what's left out there? they turn away from me, and all too suddenly there are only backs to me. what is there to prove my existence, what is there to make things worthwhile? if i could fall away from all this, if only.
i stand at the precipice of lonliness... and sit in silence... waiting for an answer.
you wake up and wonder, in the darkness before the dawn, with sweat clinging to you nervous back...if maybe you died some time ago, and you're just a shade that thinks that he's still alive. all your new experiences harken back to distant memories...memories that burn like oil ignited on water still though you've tried to keep on living. you can still hear her voice...and smell her scent...still feel the sword piercing your heat as you realize she's left you, knowing your love for her...."the pangs of dispised love"...that all those years you held it in, guessing at the outcome...years spent tighter than family...best friends...forever and ever...and it's over...all over...
...Has every chance of love after felt like an echo or a whisper compared to it...?
the world is a slut
the world is a whore
spread the legs a little
and she'll show you so much more
reach deep down with fingers coupled
slip and slide
and take a glimpse of whats inside
bodies collide with cosmic force
in dance no rules due in course
dance for the dance and lose thyself
dance for a cause
and run the risk of your flaws
love is not free and comes at a price
you can run forever
forgetting your troubles
and building up new
the tower of babel
built on human depravity
fall to the ground
if you dare change the structure
angels pure dread hope in fire
ever wonder... perhaps i was not meant for anyone person. for all the love that i once thought i was capable of. i have been tainted, left to fester, think that one could so destroy me? i've fallen in and out and all that is left is the love of romance, maybe i couldn't find a match true and right, but i could find those who could love me for my faults. though, all faults but one. i wander, my soul knows not peace, and i will search for a love that can set the heavens on fire...hell will spin and crumble in tumult as all evil that has been borne is quenched by the spiritual spring of life... we would dance on the grave of the world waiting till the endtime when the walls around us would fall down upon us and send us to sleep together forever in eternity. but i have not found her... always something holds me back, something utterly depresses me, and i can not have a storybook love. and i will never rest till i can. so i am a wanderer in spirit, and my life will never be justified until i find that impossible love, that dream of a life beyond the mundane semilivable reality i wake from my dreams into. ah well, cest la vie
who am i if not a product of my own devices, do i dare to dream a dream for myself. look at me i am flesh and blood, i am no cybersentient creation od ones and zeros. i can think i can feel i can be whoever i want to be. do you know me? do you think you know everything there is to know of what makes me what i am. you do not know my story you do not know my life. you decide who i am but to think is to believe that the world is catagorized. haha, i'm a chameleon and ill dare to live a life that is not mine if it means i do the least work for it. i will love what is not there, and i will laugh at what i am. for i am the one who makes the jokes...oh ladida mr man, do you wonder who you speak to? do you ever think that a being more intelligent than yourself exists? maybe i am an idiot, maybe i am a fool. but the fool is he who can learn from his mistakes, a child of light who is innocent from god's rules. if i lived a life beyond my means i would kill myself. i live by a faith stronger than your own, and my reality is greater in scope than yours will ever be. think i'm crazy, think i've lost what you call sanity? no? i guess i havent...but clearly i am not like you. i am an army of solitude, i am the jester property of none but myself. i play the tricks and make the jests of my own accord. the whole world is my den of shicanery, and i cry and i laugh and i kill and live and i die because i choose to.
dea: u r my angel boy
me: you are my goddess
me: you are my queen
dea: would that make u the king?
me: would it?
dea: you have ben crowned
me: why are you so damn good at making me smile?
dea: i dunno :)
dea: im just special i guess
me: of course you are
dea: but u make me that way
me: yu are unique among the world...there is no one living or dead who could ever come close to you my love
dea: only an angel can make me that happy
perhaps my mood can be attributed to the moon, i witnessed it not last night, but was told it appeared a dull reddish brown or orangey red...it was decribed as pretty...but something was wrong...it seemed...i wonder sometimes how much astrology is worth, if i am truly ruled by the moon. but when my emotions coincide with the moon's phases, i tend to wonder...i feel sick..like the life is gone...becoming one of those stereotypical drunk writers is begining to sound like the life i'll lead. i tried to write a humourous story today...but it turned into a dirge...the scene became death...and i decided to quit...today is not my day for hapiness...this weekend seems like less a break than a chance for thoughtful contemplation...pain and remorse...mourning and yearning... reaching out for the gold ring..but all that lies in my hand is dust...
dust....my name and birthright...when i die i'll return to dust...as i was born from...adam, the man built from the dust of earth still young...dust now and forever onward...my name...it fits too perfectly...
welcome to the world little ones...welcome to your greatest fantasies and greatest fears...there's no need for nightmares...there's no need for dreams...only the real world can love you...only the real world can kill you.
what is the definition of innocence? one who has been in the throws of carnality and mind altering substance? are they devoid of innocence?shit...if an animal fucks...its no less innocent than before..if it eats something that makes it happy...is it then evil?...it is always as it has always been...it knows no better...so am i alive...these are the things that have come naturally...sex is simply a function...dolphins, man, and a species of gorilla...they are the only animals that fuck for pleasure...so if they do it not to prolong the species...are they evil for doing it? no...sometimes there is no magic in the world...sometimes no hope...soak it up...this is the world we live in...our definitions were wrong as soon as we tried to define them.
don't try and persuade me into believing that intelligence or wisdom in any part help define that which is no longer inocent....when we have the sight of a child...no one is evil. it is when we learn that evil is real and we take that to heart...losing the virgin mind we grew up with...what is it? the innocents die young, the world is too evil to stay pure...unless you can grow to meet the challenge...lose that cherry child...welcome to the real world...
when we surrender to our animal natures...it doesnt make us evil...it is when we delight in the destruction of others that we lose that sparkle in our eyes...when we hurt others and smile we are no longer pure...save for the right moment...aggression, self defense...we are the lost animals...we traveled too far out of our reach...and we no longer know who we are...who are you, who am i? i'm just a simple animal trying to survive.